Election postcards 2024 #TheUnitedKingdom
Mobile palaces, murderous rectors and the greatness of Eric Liddell.
Glasgow
OF ALL THE GROUPS in the west suffering the consequences of post-civilization, the Scottish, white Christian conservatives surely deserve sympathy at its most generous. These people are tight-fisted, funny, honest, endearing, carmudgeonly, principled, nostalgic, spirited, wise, drunk, cheeky, humorous, proud and loyal. They are the inheritance of warriors, demented seafarers, riggers, hunters and other beserkers - the makers of unspeakably bad food yet indescribably good alcohol. Their coasts, islets, highlands and wild rivers combine to make that country easily one of the most beautiful natural environments in the world. They know this.
But things are not going well.
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ON APRIL 1st, JK Rowling unleashed a satirical thread that poked at the new anti-hate law (Hate Crime and Public Order, Act 2021) launched on that very day. This law is illogical for a litany of reasons but that’s not the point: if you have been suspected of an NCHI - a non-crime hate incident, your name is now recorded in a data base which employers (amongst others) can access. So even if you weren’t in the same postal code or region when the incident occured - even if someone made it up - you’re there, in that toxic, authoritarian register whose defenders describe it as “the gift of modernity”.
Conservative commentators roared in delight at Rowling’s sleight of hand. She’s nailed the libs, they claimed, the law is buried on the day it was born.
Er, not quite. JK Rowling will not be investigated - but everyone else will, and the Scottish National Party doesn’t care how this looks, because they’ve never cared how they look: they’re serious about destruction, and people serious about destruction aren’t bothered by things like the appearance of double standards or two-tiered justice.
This point has already been precisely illustrated: of the 8000 calls reporting NHCI’s in the first week, 80% of them were complaints against Scotland’s First Minister Hamza Yousaf for comments he’d made in Holyrood in 2020, the Year of our Floyd. Chill out, these incendiary remarks *nEeD cONteXT*, and to provide that context, people answering the NCHI phones in Scotland have been issued guidance - which I imagine sounds something like: “So you’re calling to complain about Hamza’s remarks that day…well, I’m happy to provide you with all the *reeEeEsOUrCes* you need to E-D-U-M-A-C-A-T-E yourself about the importance of *dIvERsiTy* and the danger to democracy from the *fAr rIgHt*”.
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THE SNP’s challenger for these next elections is Scottish Labour. Who’s their leader? His name is Anas Sarwar; like Hamza he’s also descended from Pakistan - but comes up vanilla-ish on the destruction measure as the scion of a wholesale business in Glasgow I’m sure his kids would like to keep shitting cash against the efforts of their father’s political opponent. Does Scotland Labour align with Westminster Labour? Not on Gaza: here, Anas and Hamza spoke as one - immediate ceasefire, end all arms sales, etc. Sensing this position may be interpreted as “moderate”, Hamza suggested that Scotland would also welcome refugees from Gaza, making a clever point - if for the first time in his life - that so many Ukrainian refugees had already been welcomed…so exactly is your problem?
The Scottish conservatives are led by a man called Douglas Ross. He used to be a dairyman, which is sound, but then for some reason he dropped that, joined the Liberal Democrats there and became a football referee (so basically he voluntarily turned himself into a cyclist). He voted to remain in 2016 in a country that overwhelmingly voted to remain - and just like 99.99% of every single “conservative” currently squatting in Westminster, he believes that politics is the art of contracting all the edgy sickness the Atlantic trade winds from America blow across - then trying to infect everyone around you but especially the idiots who voted for you, financed you, defended you on social media and afforded you multiple chances to illustrate your commitment to conservatism by conserving stuff that matters.
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THE SNP might be one of the most deluded political institutions on the planet - but at least they’re fun. During her reign, too many rumours hinted at former leader Nicola Sturgeon being lesbian, or bi - and attending swinger events with her, um, “husband” Peter, who also happened to be the SNP’s CEO. He was arrested in 2023 on suspicion of playing fast and loose with the party’s finances. One particular transaction that caught the attention of the police was the purchase of a semi-luxury motor home - of course it was - which he then tried to hide by parking on his mother’s doorstep.
On Thursday the new rector of Glasgow University was sworn in. His name is Dr Ghassan Abu-Sittah and he is a British-Palestinian plastic surgeon who concluded his maiden address with some IRA wisdom, quoting the hunger-striker Bobby Sands: “our revenge will the laughter of our children”.
The following day he flew to Germany where authorities detained him, prompting outrage amongst the white student leadership at Glasgow who found it offensive and nazi that Germans might be a little concerned that someone who has just committed to murder was in their country. “just let our fucking jihadist free,” squealed this week’s most privileged, helpful losers.
You can’t blame Hamza, his wife Nadia (whose brother has been charged with extortion), Anas or even Ghassan. They saw the gap between the Scottish conservative, with their brogue and tartans and bagpipe laments, and the succeeding aforementioned generation with all their fluidity and gender reassignment surgery - who thought it would a good idea to start cancelling writers and comedians at the Festival and the Fringe. So those people serious about power seized the moment: they used all today’s platitudes, originating on the fringes of white academia in pursuit of control, irrespective of whether or not they believe in them (they don’t). And they got it. They now own the joint.
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THERE WAS ANOTHER rugby winger before Makazole Mapimpi who captured the world’s imagination with his humility, faith, sincerity and decency. He played for Scotland (also at No. 11) and won the Olympic Gold 400m in Paris in 1924. He refused to run on a Sunday of those Olympics, the day of the scheduled 100m where he was clear favourite to win.
It’s difficult to read the first paragraphs of Duncan Hamilton’s biography of Eric Liddell and not be immediately moved by such a force of man. Even more intriguing than the achievements of his life were the conditions of his death; a year after his heroics in Paris, Liddell returned to the country of his birth, China, to continue missionary work. Two decades later and interned by the Japanese, he died of a brain tumour aggravated by malnourishment. It is almost certain that he didn’t eat because he was guided by the sense that it was more important for others to do so.
Coming Friday