AWOKEAGEDDON
Wednesday's proceedings in Washington were an anthem to the adage that those whom the Gods wish to destroy, first they make mad.
A SENSE OF ANTICIPATION gripped the James Brady Press Briefing Room as three of the most prominent female network journalists whispered amongst each other through their N95 masks before agreeing which of them would ask 2021’s most politically consequential question. The new carrot-topped Press Secretary raised her eyebrows, then pointed at CNN’s blonde reporter: “I was just wondering,” the blonde started nervously, “is now not the time to paint Air Force One in the colours of the LGBT+ flag?” A smile started forming on the lips of carrot top, and immediately the blonde started blushing. “You guys....you guys!!!”
Carrot top’s lips pursed in mock indignation, hands on hips. Giggles sounded from the other geniuses present in the room. “My qweens and I - these ones here from CNN - where, by the way, I used to work - CBS and MSNBC - got together the other night over matcha and falafels and I had a feeling that one of them would ambush me with my favourite subject which is diversity and inclusion and if you’re asking why there’s no POC among us qweens actually there is and her name is Fang Wang and she’s really awesome but she was busy with George Soros’ list of demands so suck on my middle finger you far right domestic terrorist and yes - YES - we are totally going to paint the flag. And then we’re going to bomb the living shit out of the Yemen.”
**
Earlier in Beijing it had been festive. Chairman Xi had sat on a remote control leather sofa - “lecliner” watching the pageantry on a big screen. Some of the inauguration’s organisers, Mark Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey, had flown out to be with him and were doubling as waiters and translators. “Where crazy mad Lussia cow?” Zuckerberg cleared his throat: “Erm..Mrs. Clinton will be arriving shortly - but if you want to be patched through to Speaker Pelosi, she’s at the bar pouring sweetener into her neat vodka.” Dorsey finally got through to failed Presidential contender Amy Klobuchar - the inauguration’s MC: “Listen Señorita Douchebag, if you are going to fuck up today like you fucked up last year when you didn’t even know the name of Mexico’s President, do the following: shout, ‘BLM’, followed by ‘trans rights are human rights’ and finally ‘climate change is real’. Then sit down.
On the screen before them Bill Clinton’s face appeared, and was proceeding down the steps. “Ha ha ha ha,” Chairman Xi giggled then pointed: “RANKER! RANKER!”
**
Those who were prepared to wade through the puddle of fawning-media-provoked vomit that covered much of the country (rather than blissfully wallow in it) may have observed some curiosities in the 46th President’s behaviour. Firstly, his emphasis upon “racial justice” was cute, but the same Joseph R. Biden sponsored the 1994 Crime Bill - the very thing both the left and right identify as the accelerant of mass incarceration and thus, the diminishing of prospects for black people, particularly young men. Secondly, a number of lockdown fanatic governors broke their own state rules to attend the inauguration, attended by 2000 people and protected by 26000 National Guards (13 point something guards to1 guest). Thirdly, he ended women’s sports (this should have been spotted: the first thing the House did in 2021 was to destroy the idea of biological sex). Fourthly, Baghdad was plunged into the type of violence it had last witnessed four years ago - coincidence much? Finally - and some good news - it just so happened that on the 20th of January in the year of our Lord, a medicine was discovered capable of fighting the dreaded rona. Those who despised former President Donald Trump posted glowing sentiments throwing their arms around it.
Its name: hydroxychloroquine.
**
Of all remote-controlled, ear-pieced Biden’s executive orders, it was the transgender-related that prompted the most consternation - for two obvious reasons.
Firstly, the sight of a grown male, with exposed male genitalia, changing next to pre-pubescent girls in the local Health & Racquet - on the basis that he self-identifies as a woman - will likely be an acquired taste (roughly 0.56% of the US population is thought to be transgender - and even within the transgender community strong opposition to this “hey whatever” approach exists).
Secondly, Biden - in one stroke - trashed decades worth of feminist efforts to improve women’s lot. Coaches and sportswomen aired their disbelief, but were immediately attacked by an army of trannies Twitter had boobytrapped the joint with. It was the colourful Valerie Solanas I thought of first; she would have taken Little Boy and Fat Man to Wednesday in Washington.
**
In 24 hours, enforced job losses (during a pandemic), the stripping of hard earned rights from women and posturing revealed (Joe Biden and his administration, contrary to claims made in the run up to November, do not have a plan for the rona).
There’s only one explanation: whereas his predecessors probably just annoyed the Gods, Joe Biden’s administration has really pissed them off, and before things get any worse, we need to start sacrificing things sharpish.
If I humbly may: we should start a really big fire, using so-called fact checkers - Africa Check, FactCheck.org, that misappropriating scumbag at Snopes and the entire Facebook “oversight” (LOL) board - as kindling. Then on top we throw Big Tech - so its all nicely crackling by the time its its the networks’ turn, starting with CNN (think we should throw some petrol in before this one - nobody said this can’t be just a little bit fun). Then its the serial bores - the Will Sommers and Jared Holts - followed by the late night comedy circuit led by James Corden. Reality stars (the UK will lead this section) will be tossed in with Teen Vogue. Then Sadiq Khan (they don’t have urinals built for 8-12 year olds where he’s going - tough), The Daily Mail, lobbyists and of course, the influencers.
And watching the smoke of what we mistakenly considered civilisation ascend, we’ll make a series of covenants alongside our apologies: we’ll go back to listening to the radio (we’ll have torched all personality presenters by this point, so, fine). We start writing letters again. We’ll take long walks, and erase the word “problematic”. We’ll cage Piers Morgan and send him around the world in a loincloth as a study of the acedia of man, and what happens.
Maybe we’ll forgiven, and be spared a generation of pathological hustling. Or maybe not, and the sight of a bumbling, clearly unwell President - who everyone knows is unwell yet says nothing about - will endure as our punishment for inventing this fatal condition called wokeness.